i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
