Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
