Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
