I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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