forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
