the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
