I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
