: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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