I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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