Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Michael Bay diarrhea
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
