Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
