I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
