i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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