just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
