508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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