Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
