I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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