I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
