I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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