We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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