Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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