he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
