I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
