i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
