I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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