There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
