I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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