i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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