I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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