I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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