tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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