Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
