I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
