Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
