I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
