I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize
