When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
