My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
