she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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