The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
