Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
two words...techno handjob
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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