true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude