Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
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sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
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DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in