1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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