community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
