the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
