I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
