I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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