So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
