MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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