dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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