your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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