i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Sober January is a disaster.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
