Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
