that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
