I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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