Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
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