pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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