I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
