Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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