just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
